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Subject:Funerals are expensive for everyone. Period.
Time:10:18 pm
Current Mood:stressedstressed
What an incredibly long week. It has been so emotional too. After all of this, I'm not really ready to go back to work, but I have to. Tuesday morning when I got home from work, I got the call that my step-grandmother had died that Monday afternoon. I though ok, where do we go now? Because no one had a strait answer for me and I supposedly had the bereavement time, I stayed home to try to get ready and figure out where, when, and how on the funeral. Come to find out after getting the obit Wednesday night, I would not be getting bereavement time, because my grandfather thought it was a good idea to list all the grandchildren and that I was a step grandchild. Step grandparents are not counted for bereavement. No matter how long they have been part of the family. So that screws us out of over a week's pay. We find out that the funeral is going to be held in Youngstown, OH. 7 hours away. So I rushed to renew my AAA membership. Because even if I didn't end up driving, there was no way in hell I was going to get stranded in another state with my parents. Then I had to get something to wear, since I got too big to wear anything decent that I had. I rushed to get my oil changed, in case I needed to drive. Needless to say after all is said and done, I will most likely out over $800, because of this. I doubt I will see any of it back at all. Goddess willing, someone might take pity on my husband and I at work and we will get the bereavement pay. I highly doubt it. They didn't even send the flowers they said they would. The cheap bastards.

All through the headache of preparing for the funeral and calling people to force information out of them about the details, Brett was freaking out. There was nothing I could say or do for him to calm him down. This was the last thing I needed. He freaked out the whole time and I think he is still sort of freaking out. Seriously if I thought hitting him over the head with something would knock him out and get him to calm down, I probably would have done it. When we get home Friday night, Brett freaks out more and starts going on and on about how he knows I hate this house and everything. How he knows I want something bigger, but he loves this house. I tell him that I never said that I hated the house, but when we got it, it was under the agreement that it was temporary. He counters that as time goes on, it seems to be getting more and more permanent. Honestly I did not even want to have this conversation. I had other things on my mind. Whether we were going to be staying in this house for a long time or not, was the farthest from my mind. He asked if he needed to take over handling the money and I got pissed. He said he didn't mean that I was doing a bad job, just if it was becoming too stressful, he would handle it from now on. The only thing stressful about it, is when Brett freaks out about it. I take things as they come. As long as the mortgage, loan, utilities, and kids are taken care of, I will handle the other stuff as I can. If that means shoving a bill or 2 to the side for that pay period, then that's what I have to do. I don't worry about it, because it will do no good. I'm lucky that we have all our meds and enough food for the week. As long as the gas holds out in the car, we will be fine till payday. Then I have to work magic to get the basics paid at least. I love Brett with all my heart, but his meds don't seem to be working, other than he doesn't really go manic anymore. He hates his life and is constantly worried. Honestly, what are we paying the therapist and psychiatrist for, because what they are doing, isn't helping. I tell him this and he claims they can't help him with it. I worry about my energy. It seems to be getting worse. My doctor says that I need to go see a psychiatrist. I have to go spend hundreds of dollars for a person to look at me for 10 seconds and give me a prescription and send me on my way. Not to mention the time I will have to wait and get canceled on. I don't think it's chemical in the head way. I want to rule out all the physical stuff first. I'm around the age my grandma June was when she died of leukemia and that worries me. *sigh* No one listens to me anyway.

The funeral was a joke. But at least i got to see grandma June's and aunt Carol's graves. I got to reconnect with great aunt Erma and great uncle Dan. They are awesome people and I had a great time with them. I think through them I might get to learn more about that part of the family. I have gotten way behind on things here at home. The dogs are driving me nuts. Brett has hit his Sunday blues, so there goes my night. I worry, because I just can't make him happy. I can't make him smile. Yes he has problems, but they should be taking care of this. You can't tell me all bi-polars walk through life, hating life 24/7. I wish he would really get after his psychiatrist about this. I would be. But of course no one listens to me. I really don't know why I don't just hide from the world and never come back out. It wouldn't make a difference to anyone if I did or not. And now I've made myself depressed. Well I better go try to find something to loose myself in. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin
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Subject:Of smiles and frowns.
Time:04:41 am
I'm tired, so I'm going to try to make this quick.

I'm so tired. Not just physically but mentally.I don't know why. My meds aren't working like they should.I'm not depressed per say, but I'm just having trouble with my energy. I comes and goes. I can keep going if I stay moving, but if I stop, sleep pulls me in. It's so hard to find the motivation to do what I need to. I have to call the doctor to figure it out. It's coming back at Brett that's not fair to him. Things are finally going good for us, I seem to be trying to mess it up inadvertently. Brett says that if we get things together, we can start talking about kids. Part of me doesn't believe that. I mean, a farm was in the plans and that ended up going down the drain. Part of me thinks the same thing will happen to those plans. I almost don't believe it. Like I'm convinced that it won't happen. The days, weeks, and months seem to be zooming by. But nothing seems to be changing. Things continue to not be done. It's all eat, sleep, veg, and work. Eating Steak n Shake was our only thing to look forward to. Brett still has racing, but I have nothing. That is hurting my motivation too. Now Fridays mean me standing at the stove for an hour cooking, on sore feet. Are you there,Chelsea's season is about to end so that is going away too. No wonder I just want to sleep. I need motivation. Something to look forward to.

Layers! Savvy?
-Aislin


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Subject:Are you there, Aislin?
Time:07:15 am
Current Mood:tiredtired
I love the new sitcom, "Are you there, Chelsea?" I feel that Chelsea is my alter ego. A view that I haven't quite thought of before. So needless to say I'm hooked and hope that they never cancel it. I would like to get ahold of the creator's work. Brett said it was based on her life. I would like to hear more of her stories.

So, I'm not working at Home Depot anymore. At least for now. I need to focus on home, and I was tired of working so much. I want a chance to try to get my house in order. There is so much that needs to be done and I want to do. If I ever have the umfh to do it.

One thing I won't miss, or should I say who, is Santiago. The boy is like any other horny teenager. An older woman talked to him like a person, so he thinks he has to try to act cool around her and flirt with her. *sigh* The boy wouldn't leave me alone. Insisted on hugs, tried to talk to me about inappropriate things that I was not interested in. Then I was trapped in an area with him so he insisted on giving me a back massage. Despite my protests, saying it didn't feel good, and that I wasn't interested. I don't know why I didn't get out and out hateful with him. Maybe I didn't want to leave on a sour note. I felt so uncomfortable about the whole thing. I'm just glad that it's over.

The sun is coming up. I wished yesterday would be over fast. Now I face Monday. It's not that I hate my job, I just wanted more time to myself and a chance to sleep in. Well, other than having a groom on Saturday, I'll have a chance to do that this upcoming weekend. It's something to look forward to. Well I need to go to bed and charge this phone. Layers! Savvy?

-Aislin
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Subject:Those eyes. Who's are they?
Time:04:12 am
Current Mood:drunkdrunk
Soooooooo. I'm going to try this LJ thing again. I feel there are some things I would like to get out that aren't blog worthy. And Google Chrome corrects spelling as you type so that helps. Why did I ever use explorer? BTW, this is taking forever to type, because when I am buzzed, apparently my typing sucks.

Rum, she is my friend. She fills me with a warm tingly feeling from my head to my toes. When I get the mixture right that is. When I hurt you make me forget it. When I'm horny, you make me not mind it much. Ok, that depends. More like I don't get upset if nothing happens. The sad thing is that Brett knows when I get the mixture right. Which is sad, because he worries then. My stomach had kept me from you in the past, but as long as you don't interfere with work, I think I will rely on you more often. For Brett's sake as well as mine. I know he may worry some but at least I won't be making him feel guilty over other things.

It's storming tonight. We have has such a mild winter. I thank the Goddess for it, but I wonder why she chose it. Maybe the earth needed a winter without a long hard frost. I don't know. I know she has her reasons.

I have a new job that I love. The gel on my nails doesn't apparently. I guess I can do nothing girly. That makes me sad. It gave me an excuse to see my sister and it was the one girly thing I did. I'm sure this makes Brett happy. He never saw the point in it. I guess I should just take him saying that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world as enough, to keep me feeling womanly.

So much has happen since the last post. I lost my job at amdoc. Then Brett did. I got a job at Home Depot and I was there a year, but now my new job conflics with that so I have to get rid of it. I feel 0so bad about it that I'm hiding from it, which isn't fair. I will miss it, but the truth is I'm a housewife that works, so I have no room for a second job. I need to take care of home. Dear Goddess, do I ever. It's such a mess and I'm so ashamed of it.

One thing hasn't changed. I'm still caught in a struggle for wanting a kid. I do then I don't. My biological clock is so confused. But what am I even worried about. Brett gets the say of when we have kids, I don't. He doesn't feel it's time right now. I wonder if he'll even think it's time. I'm 28 now. I wanted to start having kids before I was 30. For various reason, but as it's going, it will never happen. Brett says it will happen eventually. But I wonder. I have what 12 years or so till menopause starts, by the history of women in my family. I want 2 kids, so the time is closing in on me. I don't know what to do. For the first time I see how we can work with having a kid. I know now that I can never be a stay at home mom, but if my parents or Brett's mom can be the babysitter, then everything will work out fine. I told Brett that I felt that our little home is too small for a family, even though the previous owners raised 2 girls here. But Brett sees us being able to raise one kid here. If we are going to be here for 5 years or more, I would like to expand/remodel the house, but that is risky. We can go over what houses of that status can go for. I just want to be comfortable.

At times I love this house. At times I yearn for more. My dreams are always of a farm in a small town. That just feels so right. But I doubt it will ever be true. Honestly, I'll be surprised if we move to Brownsburg or plainfield at all.

Well my train of thought has thoroughly derailed so I'm going to end this here.

Laters, Savvy?

-Aislin
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Subject:MY BLOG IS MOVING!
Time:01:00 pm
I have grown tired of LJ and have moved my blog to http://aislinsdreams.blogspot.com/
please come check it out!
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Subject:To get a new blog, or not to get a new blog.
Time:03:57 pm
No, I’m not going you few and proud loyal readers, but I have to admit that Livejournal is a drag. There isn’t much I can do with it. It’s a pain in the ass to put a picture up with a post, and the spell check sucks. It tells me a misspelled word, and I have to hunt said word down and fix it. And as bad as my spelling is, that is a serious pain in the rear. Also not many people are on livejournal anymore, so instead of making them go out of their way to read my thoughts, I post the exact same entry 2 other places. Which often result in me giving up on the post even if I’m done writing it.

I hate posting on Myspace, because well it’s apain just to log on and navigate the thing. Really the maker of myspace should be beat for this along with TOM, just because the guy annoys me. I also post on deviantart. Not like one artist really reads my posts, occationally they maight look at my art, but nothing as far as reading what I have to say. And you can’t block people on there.

So do I pack up my entries and move them to a new blog page? And if I do, were do I take them? Well there is typepad, TokyoCowgirl uses that one and it looks pretty neat. Or there is blogger which Foren Saleryman uses. It looks neat and interactive with other things. I just don’t know. Any thoughts?

In other news, our taxes are done. WOOT! We manage to not owe the government anything. Brett said we can start house hunting again. So we are to see a place tomorrow. Seems promising. We will see though. I had to laugh when the house right next to us went up for sale. Wonder how long until it sells. At the price they are listing it at, it’s not going to sell quick, you can get a one owner old new house for cheaper. But of course my idea of worth is sckewed.

I’m a very tired person. My cats thought is was a great idea to wake me up an hour early. Their little tards. They think since they woke me up earlier that I would get up and feed them earlier. No dice. I very rarely get up before I have to awake or not. This is a lesson the cats are learning the hard way. You might not be able to out stubborn a cat, but you can sure make it and unpleasant experience for them if they try to wake you up too early. What is annoying is they work in shifts. If one fails the other steps up and tries something else. Rory takes the cute kitten aproach. Whith cute little m’ows and cold nose sniffing of the face. She does the occational bite on the head when you are late getting up. Shank uses a more physical approach. He m’ows loudly and headbutts. He also walks all over you and as big a cat as he is it’s not plesant. I usually shoo them away or roll over to avoid them, but they keep on until I annoy them physically in some way, then they retreat and m’ow occationally from the safety of their pedestile. But if I’m awake enough to annoy them, then I’m fully awake and unlikely to get back to sleep, so I just watch TV.

Morning isn’t the only problem. There is their midday meal and dinner. Which always are supposed to come earlier than scheduled, because they say so. If I give in a feed them earlier, she start up asking for it earlier than that the next day. And they MUST have 3 meals a day. You can’t just double up dinner because you weren’t home in time for their midday meal. No they want that meal at dinner time or when you walk in the door, then an hour later they want their dinner. If you don’t do it that way, the bitching will continue until you at least give them a treat. They lie often. If I feed them then go back to bed , when I get up they think act like I didn’t feed them yet. Or if I fed them a while ago and Brett wasn’t around they lie to him, trying to get him to feed them.

They aren’t always annoying. I do love them to bits, it’s just like most animals, there is a good side and a bad side. And anyone who says that cats are aloof and not demanding, hasn’t seen my cats. Rory also carries on conversations with you, or bitches about nothing at all. Which is quite comical. Shank gets so excited sometimes that his m’ows turn into meh’cows. I usually laugh at this. They snug good too. I love cuddling with them in bed and often use it as an excuse to not get up. Rory likes me to hold her. I rock her and pat her like a baby and that makes her happy. Apparently she doesn’t like it when Brett does it. But I’m sure there is something special she lets Brett do that she doesn’t want me to do. I love my kittles (no realation to the store) and they light up my day.

Well I’m done talking about things you might not care about. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin
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Subject:A going green twit on facebook.
Time:11:56 am
Current Mood:boredbored
So I have a channel on my TV called Planet Green, that tells you all the different ways you can live green. The problem is, they don’t always factor money into all of this. Shop at whole foods stores, only buy recycled products, avoid buying non-recyclable products. All this is well and good if you are well off, but the average person during this recession is getting the cheapest thing out there and glad for it. I try to buy green when I can, but when the difference is dollars, I have to go for the cheaper, well because I’m poor. Oh I fully intend on converting whatever house I get to being as green as possible, because a more green house is a ton of money saved each month. I’ll grow my veggies, compost, and recycle, but other than that, I don’t know how much farther I can go. Man this channel is warping my head.

So I gave in and now I have a Twitter account. Just look for LadyAislin, if you want to follow the boring stuff I type on there. I also after much prodding from my mom and sister, have a facebook account. All I do on there is read other peoples updates and mess with my farmtown app. I really don’t see that much of a point, but it’s a low key way to stay up to date with family and friends. If you know my name then you can find my facebook account.

I have to buy new jeans. Grrr!. My last good pair of levis ripped 2 weeks ago. I had already been pushing it, by squeezing into jeans 1 size too small, but even levis wear out. They really don’t make them like they use to. One thing I will actually pay good money for is jeans, because I know that cheap jeans wear out way, way too quickly. I have to order them too, because all these jean companies are more about fashion than anything. Like I love wranglers, they are the best long lasting jeans out there. But now they have an Aura line for women. The material is thinner and it has elastic in it. And of course no store in Indy carries the classic lines, so I have to get on line and order them, then go out and get a leather needle for my sewing machine and start the whole process of hemming them up. Which is not fun. I usually requires me finding a mirror that I can put of the floor, a lot of looking behind me several different ways and accidently poking my feet and ankles with strait pins 20 times. Then go through the long process of preparing to sew it and then praying that the needle doesn’t break, the whole time I’m sewing it. I’m also going to have to make some new summer clothes for myself because all the cute stuff I got last year isn’t going to fit this year, which makes me sad, because it was so cute. I still have to hem my new work pants, or just wear heels while I wear them, which is most likely what the designer had in mind, but not me. Heels love to hurt my feet. I don’t know how anyone walks long distances in them, unless they lost all feeling in their feet, or are hopped up of heavy pain meds. Plus I don’t agree with most of the styles out right now. It looks like maternity wear. I’m not fond baby doll shirts. Plus I’m fully able to make my own clothes. If only I could make jeans I would be set, but its way easier said than done. I want one of those adjustable tailor’s mannequins. Those are so neat and it would be easier to make clothes that fit me. I need to get sewing again. First thing I need to make is a under shirt corset. My belly needs to be tamed.

Well today is day one of the Great Shiner Experiment. Much to the dismay of seemingly everyone in my family, I’m going to attempt to keep Shiner with me. I agreed that if she shows signs of stress I will take her back to my parents, but my goal all along has been to bring her home with me to stay. She is my dog, and she needs to be the dominate one, and she can’t have that with my parent’s dogs. It’s like living with your parents all your life. You can never be the one in charge. Brett is worrying about Rory, but she will adjust like Shank adjusted to her.

I think it is possible to get a repetitive motion injury from mouse clicking. My f’ing hand and arm hurts from clicking repeatedly on this task that I’m working on. Of course it doesn’t help that I already have some hand problems, like arthritis developing. It’s also been really cold lately and rainy. Both Brett and I’s knees have been feeling it. He’s bent his 500 ways from Sunday and I moved my kneecap during 9th grade year playing volleyball. But I have my fuzzy children to keep me warm at night. So that’s good. I wish this project would get done soon, so my poor fingers can rest.

Well I think I’ve rambled on long enough. Now for more productive things, like lunch! LOL! Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin
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Subject:Shards of dreams.
Time:12:55 am
I'm crazy, or I'm going crazy. My brain is so messed up. It's a strange mixture of different things. I keep yearning for kids as crazy as that sounds. I also am missing Brett at night. Yes I'm surrounded by my fuzzy children at night. But I miss his scent and presence. I miss the feeling that I get when he's in bed with me. I'm trying not to complain and not bug Brett about it because he needs his sleep, but I hope he eventually feels like he can sleep in the bed again.

Then there is a house thing. I keep having dreams about the house. Like I have in the past somehow my grandparents are involed in it. Their house, but not. Its hard to explain. They are involved and my mind say it's theirs but it't not in reality. I dream of a tall old barn/garage/house that is box shaped. I also dream of a three level home that windes around like a maze of sorts. It all feels so familar and good, I just haven't found anything like that. I don't know what it all means. I have also dremnt of a beautiful apartment/townhouse with Cherry cabinets, marble countertops and stone tile floors. That feels home and wonderful too. I just don't know what this all means. I don't know if such places exist and what do my grandparents have to do with all of this? Does anyone know, or will this mystery stay that way.

Sorry about the bad set up of this blog entry. This is thrown together real quick on my phone before bed. I just had to get it off my mind.

Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin
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Subject:Watching the sunrise in my rear view mirror.
Time:01:01 pm
Current Mood:frustratedfrustrated

It seems everyone is sick. Even I have been having rendezvous with not feeling well. Brett, it usually hits him like a wrecking ball, leaving him curled up on his Steiner Recliner with a blanket over his head. But from what I hear, just about everyone at work is feeling the same way. If Brett is healthy enough to come to work tomorrow, we only have a half day. Lucky dog. My grandma is coming down tomorrow to spend the night at mom and dad’s. Maybe I can get her to go look at a house with us. Of course I have to convince Brett to go see the place to.

 

That’s a whole other thing. The curse of the house hunt. I have watched tons of house hunting shows on HGTV that show a young couple just starting out or needing to move up to something bigger because of a growing family. Their agent shows them 3 houses that meet their criteria and they choose from them. All of these places are cute and have no problems and they find the one they were looking for and live happily ever after. Well, TV LIES!  The first place we looked at was ok, to the eye, for 2 doublewides attached together. I was mostly interested in the land. Well considering it’s like pulling teeth to get a bank to give you a loan on a manufactured home, it was useless to try. On to the deceptive wonder version 1. A cute looking cape cod on almost 2 acres with a detached 2 car garage, with Bedford stone. You pull up and it looks nice enough. You try to ignore the home owners who refuse to leave and that are creeping out. You walk up to the house and realize quickly you have been deceived. This cute house has more issues than my mom’s dog Bradley. After that slap in the face, you move on to deceptive wonder version 2. It just sound too good to be true, well guess what, it is. Never trust a house listed as rustic. I means coming apart at the seams. So you slink over to the Cabana Room to put a cold glass of rum and coke up to your sore face. Because you have been slapped yet again and it’s starting to really hurt. So you calm your self with yet another rum and coke and a chocolate martini for good measure, while letting a good cigar sooth your soul, only to have one whopper of a headache later. You learn that when you haven’t been feeling well, that booze and a cigar isn’t a good idea. You start to get pissed off at those shows that show perfection and happy endings and think of taking a baseball bat to the TV while you search the house listings for the bazillionth time.

 

I feel like banging my head against the wall. I keep getting told that you look at tons of houses before you find the right one. Well, they were just looking for a house, and if Brett and I were just looking for a house, we would have found something cute and cozy and would be sealing the deal by now, but we have to have a place that we can have Katelin at, and that limits us down to 4 places. So where are these tons!!!!??? ARRG!!!! You see my problem here. I may have found something promising. I checked it out from above, asked my agent for more info, and even called the agent listing it, to see if there is anything wrong with the flipping place. So far it checks out. This 9 year old house may be for us. Now to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off, and brace for yet another possible slap in the face as we go check this one out. Right now I’m in the poke Brett with a stick to get him to get up and brush himself off, phase of that plan.

 

All and all, it’s been interesting. I’m looking forward to Sunday. I hope it turns out well. I’m going to miss the Horse Fair, but really right now it’s a bit of a waste of money. There is nothing there that I can’t buy somewhere else, though I do like looking at the horses and gorgeous stallions. I can go next year. I will most likely need something that I can only get there by then. But I will get to have my Shiner with me at least all weekend, so that’s a defiant plus. I hope it’s a good weekend.

 

Well I’m done rambling now. Till next time! Laters! Savvy?

 

-Aislin


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Subject:Back to the Drawing Board
Time:04:02 pm

So after a stressful day of will Brett’s project at work be done in time to go see this house, which we’ve had an appointment to see, everything works out and we go and see the house.

 

Yeah…that was interesting. We get there 5 minutes early, and the owners are still there. Stupid me, thinks they are just running late getting out of there. Nope they want to stay; they will just “stay out of our way”. Yeah, I don’t like that at all. Makes me uncomfortable, I can’t give a place my true opinion when the owners are there. So we walk up to the house and right away see some siding coming down and a bent up vent. Looking past that we trudge on into a thrown together breezeway, where when you open the door to the house, the garage door pops open. Looking past that, we go into the kitchen, and notice the hole in the wall with no obvious purpose. I look at the kitchen and it looks decent. It’s long and clean, but no trim to be found. There are areas where we can see the inside of the wall, because trim is no there. Oh yes, the place was nicely painted, but the lack of trim made it look incomplete. The master bedroom was small. I had a bigger bedroom in my apartment. The bathroom shower looked thrown together. There was a structural problem and holes in the deck. The yard was big enough, and the neighbors seemed nice, but they only put new siding on 3 sides of the house. The 4th side had wood siding with peeling blue paint and a big piece of plastic over a covered up window that led to the thrown together shower. The owners told the agent they are firm on their price. We had to laugh, because we would not pay that much for the house. With that much work to do. Yes it’s all cosmetic, but it’s the kind that is expensive, and we can’t afford that. So it’s put away for now an back to the drawing board I go.

 

It’s not a total loss. There are other prospects. The main things are, I want a house that will work for us, that we can be happy in. A house that I can be proud of, and will be happy living in for a good while and will fit our needs. So I keep on trucking on trying to find that house. If I find it, I’ll let you all know.

 

Which reminds me, how many people actually read my blog? I know of about 4. Come on people speak up. Let me know I’m not alone! Laters! Savvy?

 

-Aislin

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